How are you presenting yourself to the world? How are you showing up for yourself every day? Have you ever felt like a fraud, that you say one thing, and then you go and do the complete opposite? How are we suppose to create a balance and also not be so hard on ourselves. We make mistakes and that is a part of the human experience.
I have been on a healing journey that have been like a roller-coaster for the last four years, for the last 5 months everything has been going pretty well without any large hick-ups. I've been balanced and I have created heathy routines that serves my higher self, and I get to help others on their healing journey.
On Friday I went out to celebrate a friend of mine and we had a lot of champagne, a party that went on into the early morning. I woke up yesterday feeling like I was going to die, which was obviously me over-exaggerating. I had planned with another friend to do a photoshoot and drive up the coast, so I tried to pull myself together because I wanted to show up for her and I was excited for our little adventure.
What I realized was when I met her, I did show up for her, but not like myself. I did not show up for myself, I was a mess. We ended up laying on the grass in Golden Gate park, I was trying to get myself together so we could actually continue with the photoshoot but realized that I had to surrender to this experience. My body was upset with me, and the more I was trying to fight not feeling sick the worse it got. I was feeling so humbled by how far I have come and how much growth I have done, but then I am also human. I do things that does not make any sense, sure I had a good time with my friends, but a lot of it is also a blur. There I was right now not showing up for myself or my friend. Laying on the grass sNot all days will be perfect and I will make mistakes, I am a human. A silly human that somehow decided to skip my regular routines and drink way too much. I also realized that I have grown so much, so the day after I really feel how much my body was hurting, I couldn't move and I also did not keep my promise to my friend. When I was younger I could go out and I never even think about things like this when being hungover, going out to party with friends was just a part of life.
My friend ended up driving me home so I could go back to bed, and as I was lying in bed all day yesterday, I was just thinking about all the things I had wanted to to this weekend, all my plans that did not happen.
I started thinking about how I did not show up for myself today, a day that I have planned for a couple of weeks, and I was beating myself up. I kept on overanalyzing my actions and I kept on beating myself up, until I stopped. Because you know what? It's OK, I am not perfect.
So how are you showing up for yourself? What is important to you? How do you talk to yourself?
Even by sharing this I feel humbled, and some of you might think that this is not even a big deal. It's just a hangover. For me it's been a huge lesson this weekend. I love my friends so much, and I do love myself. I love taking care of myself and my body, I want to show up for myself all the time. All day every day. I want to nourish my body, I want to workout because I deserve it and so does my body. I am here to be a light for myself and for others, but I will also fuck things up. I am real, there is nothing perfect about me, I am perfectly imperfect.
So even when feeling super low and by beating myself up, I want to be a friend for myself. That friend that tells you the truth, yes you did not make the best choices, but you are OK and it's OK to no be OK. Breathe and relax.
When I started to show up for myself more, I realized that I have wasted so much time on things that doesn't matter. So almost every day I feel like I want to make the best out of my time, I need to make sure I use my time wisely, because our time is so precious and I do not want to waste it. So the underlying stress this weekend was that I have not done anything else then to just lay in bed and feeling sorry for myself. I am older and partying like I am 21 will not make me feel great the day after, maybe I should ask myself next time - Is it really something you want to do? This was time not wasted because I did learn from it, and of course I did have a great time in the moment with my friends. I am so grateful to have the best people around me and I am also proud to see how far I have come, and that old habits are not serving me anymore.
I bow to the teacher within me, and I fully surrender to all the lessons I am suppose to get. Life is one tricky journey, but also so beautiful at the same time. We are all in the beautiful mess together, you can become your own best friend or your worst enemy. How are you showing up for you, is there anything you want to do better?