Have you notice that the same things keeps on happening to you? Do you feel like life happens to you and not for you? What if I told you that through your life you have made choices and created stories about events that happened to you, and you are putting your past into your future? You are not free to be you because you are focusing more on the things that happened to you, that made you the person you are, then actually living your life. You are maybe more focused on your undeclared commitments then your actual commitments.
You are born into this world like a blank piece of canvas, and through life you collect different colors and items that makes the piece of art that is you. We say that children don't understand and that they forget, so sometimes we say things to them or around them that we shouldn't. As a child we have a different perspective then we do now, all we know is what we have learned until that moment. A child's perspective is innocent, we teach them what's wrong or right based on our opinions. On what society thought us, and what our parents thought us (or didn't teach us). We do not choose our beliefs, they are thought by us through our childhood. If you think about it then all if those beliefs, "the common sense", all differs depending on which culture you are born into.
Have you ever thought about who you would be if you where not born into your family, or even in the country you where born into. With all of this information and knowledge through childhood we step into adulthood and we consider that our thoughts and actions are right, and we argue with others when they have another opinion or a different belief. We spend so much thinking; How can they act like that, what's wrong with them? Why don't they get it?
Then we do not only have the beliefs and thoughts from our parents, and schools and our country. We have the stories we create during our childhood. When we go though things, when something happens to you, we create a story of what happened and we then we carry it with us through life. Have you ever heard different people explain an event that happened? They all have different stories about the same event, all depending on their perspective and how their mind remember and see things. Same in relationships, there is always two sides of the story. Different perspectives, who's perspective is right? We might want to over-explain our perspective to others, so they can agree with us that our way of seeing the situation is right, and the other person is wrong.
When I started looking at the things that happened in my life, I started to look back at my childhood, I thought everything was perfect. I realized quickly that I had so many stories, there were even small moments in time that still stuck with me. One for example was that I had to go to speech therapy, because of my big gap between my front teeth, I was lisping. I was called things about my teeth for the longest time, so I made up a story that something is wrong with me. That my teeth are weird and I sound funny. That might sound silly, who doesn't get made fun of? My teeth and smile has always been something I have been obsessing over, I thought boys wouldn't like me because of it, or when I was rejected or when people look at me, I though it was because of my teeth. I always talked a lot with the people that I was closed to, and I laugh a lot. But when it comes to strangers I have always have been shy, and I hated myself through my teenage years (there was many reasons for that, way more stories). I got braces when I was 17 and today I do not have a big gap, but I do still have a little lisp. There are times when people don't understand what I say, and I think it's because of that. I now know that it's more because I speak so fast, and sometimes because of my accent. That is just one of the stories I have had about "what's wrong with me". What I have come to realize today is that I do not have to be those stories, I can be who I want to be. I can let go of things, as well as forgive other and ask for forgiveness. I decided that I want to let go of the things that was dragging me down, the stories. I wanted to make room for the future, and not be hold back by the things I was telling myself. Just because someone says something about you or to you, doesn't mean that it's right. They might just know how to push your buttons (manipulating) or it's their perspective. Most of the time we are just mirroring things in ourselves, we are insecure about something and we take it out on others.
Why not just look at yourself, and see that character you are playing. Do you think everything about your character has character? Are you being fully authentic and do you live with integrity?
When I was looking at the character I am playing in life, I came to realize that there are some things that I am doing that I do not fully agree with. When I was looking at myself from an outsiders perspective, I realized that some of the things I've been saying I am committed to I actually wasn't, because it was just something I had decided to think or do just because something happened a long time ago that made me create a story about who I am. The undeclared commitments are the ones that are running our lives, instead of the commitments we actually say we are committed to.
Like saying you want to loose those pounds and you start planning on eating healthier and you sign up for a gym membership, but when you come home after work or three days into your new lifestyle, you more committed to being comfortable. What I mean with that is that in our heads we tell ourselves that we are tired, and it's been a long day, we just want to eat that cookie and that junk food. So we end up being committed the our undeclared commitments instead of the things we actually are committed to, or say we are committed to. So if we start looking at what our commitments are, and why we have them? Maybe we realized that we do not care about loosing 5 pounds, or going to the gym every day. We are committed to feeling great and to be happy with ourselves that we forget to look within and seeing where the actual "problem" is.
I could go deeper into commitments, but let's do that another time.
Let's look at yourself, do you think that there is something wrong with you? You never get that job, or that relationship, they always leave or people never like you. Or do you walk around thinking that everyone else is stupid and that you can't stand most people, maybe you hate being alone. Do you get tired of being right all the time, or do you feel like the same things keeps happening?
Feel free to reach out if you have any questions or if there is something about this that you want to discuss further! I mean can you imagine who you would be, or what you could do if the stories weren't holding you back?